Late night thoughts
I wonder what my skin would look like littered with cuts. Will the blood gush out, or would it ooze slowly? I'm probably going to wonder forever, because I'm too cowardly to do it. I'm content enough with mentally picturing it.
I ask myself these hypothetical questions. These blown out of proportion scenarios that I know won't happen, but I can't help myself thinking they might. These deprecating thoughts and rhetorical questions that deep down, I do know the answer to. Things like 'Why do I push everyone away?' or 'Why am I a horrible person?'. And the answer is pretty goddamn simple. I am a human being. I like sympathy from others, I do not like taking accountability for my actions, I run away from my problems, I give up more easily than others. They're such simple answers, but I always feel the need to deny myself of my character. Deny myself of my shortcomings and imperfections. I turn a blind eye to my wrongdoings and paint myself to be a gentle, kind and loving person.
It's not often I break down like this. Normally I sulk and cry, but then I'm back to my feet. Like nothing ever happened. But I lately I've just been feeling down. So I figured I should deconstruct my attitude and how I ended up here.
Sometimes I wish I could be a good person. Naturally. Those sorts of people who help others without second thoughts, or don't have to do a whole internal pep-talk just to get going. I wish I could just be born without any faults. Instead I had to fight, bare my teeth and spill my guts to become who I am. I had to be violent, just to be able to appreciate what I have in life. I wish being gentle and kind came naturally, and not something I had to brutally become into.
I guess it isn't too bad, this path I chose. Maybe it's more rewarding to be a flower that bloomed from something vile, like a metamorphosis of sorts. To be a changed person from their old self. But I don't think the novelty of that fact could outweigh my past actions. They always come to haunt me. I miss my old friends, and the many possible things I could have done with them. I miss my family back home, and the way their rambunctious laughter used to fill the kitchen whenever we all washed the dishes together. I've taken a lot of things for granted, it's not hard to feel regret.
I've thought about killing myself, multiple times. But I never really went through with it. I have so much, so many people to live for. The fact that my hands are shaking while typing this entry... I don't think I could, or would ever go through with doing it. But it does get difficult trying not to think about these sorts of thoughts. I've always been told that the very thought of suicide was abhorrent, and that I should be ashamed of myself of even conjuring it, even if it didn't relate to my mental health, or me in general. And I do agree to an extent. But I feel like if I truly want to get better, I need to be comfortable with all the parts of myself. All the ugly bits.
I think I am doing a pretty decent job at it. I mean, even though I still get bouts of self-loathing, or I somehow accidentally convince myself that I'm a hypocrite who is incapable of love, I still push through with a smile.
So maybe, I guess things will be okay in the end.
In case I don't see you again, good afternoon, good evening, and good night.
